My Not So Secret Life

Do you know what it is like to feel like a really shitty girlfriend just because you think your boyfriend does too much for you? I never thought I would ever say this but yeah. I am. He always drives me to and from his house and unfortunately this is due to my lack of car, but still. He always ends up bringing me home late and then I am worried about him driving back to Boston at odd hours of the night knowing he is tired. We are not that much of a long distance couple but we are far enough apart where we have to plan now for our visits. He gets upset that I get upset about everything he does for me and his reasoning “I’m worth it.” I love him and he loves me but sometimes I think he does too much for me. That he shouldn’t. Yes I am grateful to the fact that he does all of these things for like buys me lunch and drive me places, and go on adventures. I just want him to be safe and I tend to wonder which of us is slightly more messed up and I tend to think it is me. I don’t know…maybe I am simply tired and stressed out, but I really can’t say right now. I don’t like to blog like this but honestly the drive back to my house lets just say was very morbid in conversations. Just simply me bringing up everything I was concerned with at that time and he then gets worried about me and thinks we have a problem. Who knows maybe we do, but we both don’t want anything to come between us. That is usually one of the things that I can always count on. 99% of the time, even when we are upset, we still somehow are on the same page for the things that matter. I literally break down at the thought of losing him in any way, shape, or form. I know I don’t want to lose him, but I understand the fact that we are not going to be happy all the time and understand a recognize those moments in our relationship and I look at the grand scheme pf things and realize that they really are not issues because of how stupid they tend to be. I just don’t know what to do sometimes when he doesn’t quite understand why I am not okay with him literally ALWAYS doing things for me. I don’t need someone to always carry my bag, always asking me what I want to do, always being so…I could use his words and say that I am basically not used to someone spoiling me. But I am sorry if that is not the way I was raised. I am sorry if I don’t feel like something is fair to you and I express myself about this. And the sad part is that I know if he every reads some of my blogs he would think I have a serious problem with him or something, when in reality, this is just my way of literally seeing all of my thoughts before me. Sometimes I can’t always make sense of what is going on in my mind. There are just…I can’t even think anymore and I simply just want to breakdown, but that is not the kind of person I am. I feel like despite the times I have smiled and laughed. I still feel like I shed too many tears this year. Adam has made me overall a much better person and I am probably a hell of a lot happier than I would have been without him. He honestly got me through these past two semesters……I don’t even think what I am writing even makes sense anymore….I literally just think I am writing to try and convince myself of something…I don’t know…maybe that we don’t have an issue that needs discussing when we do….but at this point I can’t even describe what the issue is. The issue is usually me….if anything. I am usually the more vocal one with how I feel about certain things and he tends to hid how he really feels when sometimes I wish he would just tell me, instead of saying I’m fine or trust me. I think I am done with this post because I still don’t know what is going though my head and I am no longer with him and i wonder what is going through his head right now…..I do worry about him because I know how his brain works…and sometimes it really worries me.